One of the hardest things in the world for me is making
small talk. I love having long, drawn
out conversations with friends that wander from social issues to pop culture to
being an armchair psychologist (or patient), but somehow the need to spout a
few informal words with a boss, classmate, or friend of a friend usually leaves
me tongue-tied and tugging at my collar.
So when one of the guys at my new job asked me to describe myself in
three words, I thought it was great. It’s an in with a new coworker, and it’ll
both speed up the post-lunch kitchen clean-up and help ignore the dual smells of Comet sink cleaner and freshly
wrapped samosas currently fighting for dominance in my nasal cavity.
As my mind went into a paralytic coma, I realized it’s
not just initiating the small talk that kicks me in the balls; it’s the entire
concept of returning the serve. All I could think was “Jesus Goddamn Christ,
not again.” To his credit he jumped back in – apparently sensing that the small
child operating inside my head was having an extended recess – giving his three
words in with clarity and eloquence. Clearly, he was more prepared for this pop
quiz than me.
Now, I could call bullshit on the ‘three words’ icebreaker
as exactly that: an icebreaker, as opposed to an actual starting point for a
conversation; I could also play holier-than-thou by saying that it’s impossible
to accurately sum up anyone, not just me, in three words; but the truth is
throwing either of those back in a decent enough guy’s face when he’s just
trying to fill the silence would make me another three words: A huge dick.
Ice breakers and small talk are the open window that let in
a fresh breeze of new ideas. It’s not his fault I’m too busy swatting flies to
enjoy the fresh air. So, in the interest of encouraging small talk everywhere,
and since my brain works in such a way as to be a blank slate in the moment, but
one of Russell Crowe’s chalkboards in A Beautiful Mind over the next week, I’ve
come up with a not-too-short list of ‘three words’ that describe me perfectly,
depending on my mood, diet, or level of insomnia.
Plagued by Irreverence
Reluctantly Water Absorbant
Self-Assured Underachiever
Quiet Outgoing Hermit
Continued Irrational Amendments
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy (err, wait…)
Rough in Diamonds
Curious Wayward Traveler
Realistically Skeptical Hippie
Absurdist Plus One
Stubborn Contrary Conceding
Irate Man-Child
Sweet Zombie Jesus
Couch Potato Olympian
Bulk Barn Apathy
Home Made Bread
Rarely in Moderation
Music Comedy Food
Check Back Later
--Jonny
